The very word can strike terror in one’s heart. And ya know? This was not that big a thing when I was a kid. My parents would toss their three kids in the car. We would park, get out. And immediately my dad would say, “I’ll take Carolyn.” It would be settled… Tom and Barb would go with our mother to shop for their Christmas gifts. One day I asked my dad why he always wanted to take me Christmas shopping. He said, “Because you’re the best shopper. You don’t have to see everything in town to buy a gift. You know the people you’re shopping for, and they always enjoy the gift you give them. And the very best part of this for me is that when I take you shopping we are done in a very short time; then we can just walk around and enjoy each other while your mother and Tom and Barb finish up.”
“Wow! That’s a pretty good thing,” I thought.
I had always believed that everyone was a natural shopper. Now that I am shopping sans father, I can’t say that I enjoy it. I’m either with people who need to see every store (a thing I do with them in effigy) or I am doing it alone. And when I’m with those others, my father’s words come back to me. I am bonded to him yet again and I realize anew the truth of his words.
For me, shopping should not be a burden. It should be a joy. I like to receive gifts but I LOVE to give them! I love Christmas morning and watching everyone open up their packages. I’d love to be Santa Claus. (Well, except for the big fat belly. What sane woman would wish THAT on herself? Not one that I know. And wearing one outfit all year long? Man, I really couldn’t do that one. So maybe just Santa when he’s giving gifts! Yeah, that!)
Hubby has not enjoyed the shopping for gifts. At all! He feels inept at choosing just the right gift and fears the look of rejection for what he has chosen. He also has not enjoyed the amount of time it takes out of his day to go shop. And, I will say that yes it does interrupt his busy work schedule. I use to think, “Shoot! I’m buying all of the gifts including the kids and your family. You buy one gift for me. What’s the problem?” That unhappy look which appears when I have opened my gift and not adored it can be a very big problem. And yes, I try to hide the disappointment but he always seems to know.
At last I got smart. It wasn’t at Christmas time; it was when my birthday was coming up. I decided to give him some help. I figured about how much I thought he’d be willing to spend. I went into a jewelry store and cornered a gentleman that worked in the store. I gave him my business card and told him that my husband (whose name I had written on my card) would be coming in soon to purchase a gift for me. I asked him to walk me all through the store while I shopped. I picked out four or five things for this salesman to show to my husband. Then I took his business card and gave it to my husband; I told Hubby to take the card, go to this store and ask for this gentleman. I explained to Hubby that he should just pick my birthday gift out there with this fellow’s help.
At some point, Hubby did this. He came home and announced that the salesman thought I as the smartest woman on the planet and he did too. (Hubby to Carolyn: “I walked out of the store feeling good about myself.”) He was actually looking forward to my opening the gift because he knew I would love it. (And I did!) Bill was thrilled that he didn’t have to drag himself to a ga-zillion stores in agony, as he searched out the perfect gift that was somehow never perfect. He felt like he had missed the proverbial death bomb for the first time in our marriage.
To see him lit up like that was most certainly a gift to me! Previously I rarely enjoyed my birthday at the moment of opening his gift, because I knew we were going to go through this terrible venue yet again. I very much disliked receiving gifts that didn’t seem to be anything like me or about me; I hated the look of pain on Hubby’s face when I wasn’t pleased. And I repeat that I would try to be happy with whatever the gift was; but he always knew and I would see the pain on his face. So many levels of loss over a crazy gift.
After the successful birthday gift, Hubby asked me if I would do this same thing again for him to choose a Christmas gift. Christmas was a different story. Again I reviewed the info that I was the one who had to go shop for all of the family members, wrap all of those gifts, mail almost all of them to various parts of the world by myself… and now, I’m to help him out with my own gift. I said “Okay, I’ll do it.” But I was bothered by the burden this might be. And maybe you’re the man or woman reading this right now and sighing at my stupidity that I agreed. But there is this: I have my weaknesses too. I would not want to be cast adrift in my own moment of need, so how can I do this to him? And, did he not ask for my help? Should I say, “Buzz off” in his moment of need? Here it is… I don’t want to go there. It would say to me something that I don’t want to say to myself: You, Carolyn, refused to care and act on it when someone you love asked for help.
So off I went to choose for myself a gift in the same manner. I went to three stores and chose items this time. I even went through ads in the paper and presented them to him I made him get out and think this time as he shopped. Yes, this is more, but he had a direction. He knew what to do and how to find what I wanted. And this time? He learned things about me; he was able to go a step or two on his own. I actually received an additional gift that year which he chose all by himself. He said, “I just thought of you and it was easy.” The gift? Music! A year’s subscription to satellite radio for my car.
I recall a time when I asked my brother if he found it difficult to buy me a gift. He said, “No. I know you so well… It’s like buying for myself. If you know the other person and know yourself, what’s the difficulty?”
So I guess the point I’m making is that none of us give gifts that often… at least not the ones we wrap in beautiful paper and add bows. So maybe the rest of the year, what I (or we) should be doing is learning to know the other person instead of concentrating on ourselves 24/7. Question who they might be. Ask about their lives. Ask about their loves and interests. Listen. Stick my neck out on their behalf. If you get stung with a misstep, retreat for a bit, and then get back in there on their behalf, not your own.
And there is this. You may be thinking that some persons don’t want to exchange gifts. Ever. That’s fine. Give them the one gift no one else can give them. Yourself in their lives. Get to know them. And look for opportunities where you can be in their life with just your presence… that means your smile, your words, a photo of the two of you, a card or letter written just for them… something that is simple but only about your relationship with this person who may not want to exchange gifts. Give the gift that really can keep on giving. Yourself in their life. That’s it.
May your shopping days be a time of joy, and the gifts you chose to give be welcomed.
Best… Carolyn Thomas Temple